this one's for katie

Dear Baby Sis, 

I just wanted to take a minute to tell you how proud... how very proud of you I am today. I know you must be a bit relieved right now as I know first-hand how much you struggled to make this decision. Devoting 18 months of your life to serve Heavenly Father is far from easy. It requires sacrifice. It requires love. It requires selflessness. It requires something of the soul. 

Let me tell you now.... it's not gonna be easy. If your mission is anything like mine was, you can expect long, tiring days. Days where everything simply goes wrong. Look forward to rejection. Lots of it. Some days you might walk for hours in the rain without having a single, successful conversation though you will try desperately. Yep, this is totally normal. You will most likely wear holes through all of your shoes. Even the ones that seemed with the rubber soles that seemed entirely dependable.  

Maybe one day you might be out passing out invitations for a ward social only to get your leg ripped up by some angry dog. ouch. You will miss your favorite music and alone time. Especially at the beginning. Sometimes your companion will drive you crazy. On those days you might be tempted to never come out of the shower because you know that is the only alone time you will get for the day. Some mornings you will go to your closet and think the following: "if I have to wear one of my five go-to skirts one more time....." 

You will grow to love the people of San Jose oh so very much. You will do everything you can to get them to feel what you believe to be true with your whole heart and soul. You will pray and fast. Fast and pray. Yet sometimes, despite your best efforts, they will turn away. And some nights when you think that all hope is lost, you will soak your pillow with your tears. 

I just felt it was only fair to warn you. In my opinion, anyone who claims to have had the perfect, flawless, pain-free mission is either lying or suffering from a serious case of dementia. It's not a cakewalk. 

HOWEVER, I'm not going to leave you hanging. It gets less depressing. Pinky promise

I am not lying, nor exaggerating, when I tell you that you have just made the best decision of your whole, entire life. Katie, I loved my mission. I loved the people. I loved my badge. With time, I even loved the strict schedule. I grew to trust my loving Heavenly Father because that was the only choice I had. And through the process, I got to feel the love he has for every single one of his children. At both my highest of highs and my lowest of lows (especially during the low points) I felt a driving force helping me out. Pushing me forward. 

So my darling. Go out there and change the world. One soul at a time. Work hard and never forget your purpose. You have been given a unique time in your life to focus on serving others. Take advantage because life will never be that simple again. You will have doubts and questions. In those moments just focus on the ground you have already won. The truths you have already internalized. No one can ever take your faith away from you because that is yours.

You are going to be wonderful. Katie, I have seen just a glimpse of your potential these past few months as you have been the most patient, loving confidant a girl could ask for during my fairly rocky adapting period. Thank you for lending me your shoulder to cry on. more than once The world needs a few more of those to go around. 

And just know that though it will seem like we are a world away, your support system is as strong as ever. We will be here rooting for you and praying for you. And you best believe we will be counting the days so you don't have to. 

I think the miracle of the mission is that despite it being hard (if you need a reminder of just how hard, simply scroll up a ways) in a year and a half's time you will be on a plane coming home and you will sob your eyes out. You will not want to leave the people/place that you have grown to love so much. And in that moment you will realize that it was worth every second. 

xoxo

L.

PS... for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

pray for paris

This time around, Friday the 13th took us by storm. Japan. Lebanon. Baghdad. France. It seemed that all at once the good people of this world were being attacked from all sides. 

Interestingly enough, in my international development class we discussed peace just a few days ago so it was fresh on my mind as I contemplated these recent events that will mark history.

The lecturer started out our class discussion with a simple question... "what does peace mean to you?" My list was pretty holistic. To me peace means the opportunity I have to leave the house without worrying about my safety. Peace means coming to a compromise that all involved can mutually benefit from. Peace is knowing that I just successfully ended my second round of finance midterms which means no more tests for another month. cue the hallelujah chorus Peace is the liberating feeling that at the moment I do not hold grudges to any one for any reason.

She then told us what peace meant to her. Though she made the argument that peace is dynamic and changes from day to day, hour to hour, at the moment peace, to her, meant being able to sing happy birthday to her little nephew via Skype. You see, she is British and has only been here for a short time. This was her first year away from her nephew and she felt a bit uneasy all day. She decided to call him up. After seeing his face and singing a few verses of the popular song, she suddenly felt a warming pace come over her. Her universe was back in line.

In the end, I guess that is the beauty of peace. It is extremely personal and dynamic. It can warm our hearts and calm our fears. A life full of cumulated moments of peace and tranquility is a life well-lived.


As I think of the crazy world we live in, I can't help but think of an unforgettable experience I had in Japan about three years ago. Somehow, as a little freshman I found myself on an Asian study abroad visiting six countries and about thirty of the most influential companies including Amazon.com, Marriott, Nike, NuSkin, PWC, etc. I did not even intend on studying business at that moment in my college career but merely decided to go because I wanted to learn to use chopsticks effectively. by the way, I totally did. In between our many business visits, we tried to sandwich in as many cultural experiences as possible, one of which being Hiroshima.

I wandered around for hours horrified. I learned that day about the devastating power of nuclear weapons. Not even President Truman knew how that atomic bomb would obliterate Tokyo. Soon after the bomb was dropped, those who did not die started to notice the many negative effects of exposure to the bomb's radiation ranging from nausea, bleeding and loss of hair, to death. The daunting list of effects also includes cancer, mental retardation, lower IQ, delayed development, blindness, spinal bifida, cleft palate, and birth defects for the future generations.

I was humbled, traumatized, and for a moment even a bit embarrassed of my nationality. How could we have done something so horrific to our brothers and sisters, even during wartimes.


In a moment of reflection I stepped out of the museum doors and walked along the river. The sun shone on the water making it sparkle. As I thought, I passed a single-filed group of Japanese children on a field trip. They said hello and I said こんにちは (Kon'nichiwa.)   . I sensed no signs of resentment. Not even a little bit. I marveled at their ability to accept the past as just that. The past. I thought of their good teachers and parents who had successfully taught them about the devastation and los associated with war without expressing nay sort of bitter sentiment. Though I could not entirely understand the warmth and love they showed me as an American given what they had just learned and saw, I appreciated it. In that moment I felt peace. 

So, as for the events of Friday the 13th, specifically the anguish in Paris, I can't help but think of the children who have just lost their mommies and daddies. I shutter to think that those malicious individuals responsible for the attacks will get away unharmed. But I can trust that with time a healing process will begin to take place there just as it did in Japan or even in our country after September 11th. We forgive so that we can have peace. We build that peace piece by piece and sometimes it can be hard work. But we do it because the alternative is dark. And as the most famous of peacebuilders once said,

"darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King Jr.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

I have a confession to make. A secret really... I am deathly afraid of needles. The thought of anything penetrating my skin sends chills up my spine. I remembered this fear this week on my trip to the student health center. You see, after spending a significant time away from the country, my school requires us to take a Tuberculosis test. I have been putting this off for months now, but I finally caved and booked an appointment only to be able to register for winter classes. 

So there I sat in the office doing everything I could to distract myself, the entire time strategizing my escape route. I made my way back to the immunization office and eventually it was my turn. The nurse immediately picked up on my fears. I guess by this point I was trembling. She tried to comfort me by telling me stories of little children she has helped who would run, cry and scream. nice woman.  Somehow, I did not find a lot of solace in her stories because I am 23 years old. I mean, I successfully made my way through kindergarten shots. The years K-12 required all sorts of trips to the doctor and, dare I say, more than fifty shots. I chose to spend a summer in leprosy colonies in India. Best believe I cried merely when I saw that dreadful list. I iced my left arm for hours before only to have the ornery nurse reach for my other right one. ouch. Brazil called for even more shots. Lots of 'em. 

Point being, this is not my first rodeo. I am acquainted with my fear of needles. Yet, I continue to shy away from the thing that is supposed to keep me strong and healthy.  Irrational? Perhaps. But I guess I think that most fears are fairly irrational. 

My cute nurse put a neon bandaid on my arm and even gave me juice and crackers. I think she was worried that I might faint. I made my way home pretty proudly. I had done a hard thing. (okayy not really, but in my mind it was a bit challenging)  I rehearsed the events of the day and of the week in my mind. And I came to a few conclusions. I'll let you in on my thought process...

This week in Finance 453 (I'm trying to get as much mileage as possible from being in these 400-level classes) we studied about bank runs. Quite fascinating really. We all trust financial institutions with our precious, hard-earned dollars.We plan to use this money not only to buy houses or put our kids through college one day, but also to buy this week's groceries. Have you ever thought about just what could happen if our trusty banks suddenly crumbled? It would be chaos. We put a significant amount of confidence in our banks. So much so that our government even backs up these institutions with the promise that no matter what happens we are entitled to the money we put into our accounts up to $250,000. Considering that the government has the ability to print money it seems like a pretty sturdy promise if you ask me. 
However, bank runs are far from uncommon. Just a few years ago, one of the most powerful banks in the Europe, Swedbank, almost went belly-up as 10,000 Latvians rushed to ATMs to draw out their money after hearing rumors on twitter that the firm was in financial difficulty. About $20 million dollars were withdrawn in less than a week and Swedbank needed to replenish their ATM machines every couple of hours. This took a dramatic toll on their cash reserves. a very scary moment for all involved. 
Ironically, the rumors were completely false. People almost caused the demise of an important bank based of of pure fear. 

As people we worry. It's actually one of the things we do best at. Sometimes I worry about things that I realize are completely silly. I worry that I will never graduate attain commendable success in my career. I worry that I will never have the family life that I dreamed about since I was a child. I worry about being vulnerable in relationships knowing that I may have to pay the price: a broken heart. And yes, at 23 I still worry about that sting I will feel from an otherwise harmless needle. 

I am not justifying fear, but rather trying to understand it so that I can successfully manage it in my own life. Because at the end of the day, "all we have to fear is fear itself."



On a side note, I am reading a pretty great book about fear called How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. (a very fitting book for this blog post) Consider my compilation of quotes my book report... Enjoy!


"I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe that every-thing will work out for the best in the end.So what is there to worry about?” - Henry Ford

“Think of your life as an hourglass. You know there are thousands of grains of sand in the top of the hourglass; and they all pass slowly and evenly through the narrow neck in the middle. Nothing you or I could do would make more than one grain of sand pass through this narrow neck without impairing the hourglass. You and I and everyone else are like this hourglass...if we do not take [tasks] one at a time and let them pass...slowly and evenly, then we are bound to break our own...structure.” 

“the best possible way to prepare for tomorrow is to concentrate with all your intelligence, all your enthusiasm, on doing today’s work superbly today. That is the only possible way you can prepare for the future.” 

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon—instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. Why are we such fools—such tragic fools?” 



-Carnegie

the waiting game

The waiting game

A few years ago I was sitting in a religion class when our teacher asked a thought-provoking question... 

By the show of hands, which of you are waiting for something? 

At first the whole room sat a bit confused and awkward. So our teacher kindly clarified he question. Which of you are waiting to go on a mission? A few hands went up. Who's waiting for a missionary? More hands. Who can't wait to graduate? And leave Provo? Hands.  Who just longs to find that special someone? Who here wants to be married? A flood of people's hands shot up this time. (I wouldn't expect anything less at BYU) Babies? Graduation? First real job?  First house? 

Needless to say, by the end of the list, every hand in the room was straight in the air. Truth be told, we are all playing the same game. The waiting game. And sometimes it can be just as frustrating as a long morning at the DMV. (and I'm sure any of you who have been there lately know exactly what I'm talking about. It's a terrible place) The worst part is, in this game there really is not a final buzzer. Promotions, vacations, holidays, potty training, bigger house, nicer things, retirement.... We will always be waiting for something. Always

Waiting can be aggravating. Especiallyyyyy when there seems to be no end in sight. So, the name of the game is finding out how to use this precious time we've been given effectively. 

Our teacher then went on to tell a story about some saints back at the beginning of our church's history. These devoted followers sacrificed a great deal to follow their young, fragile faith. Many had given up their farms, their friends, and their families. Soon after arriving to what they thought would be their new home, Kirtland Ohio, they were informed that Ohio would actually just be a pit-stop. A means to an end. And though they knew they didn't have much time there, they were still commanded to go forward acting as though it would be their Zion. And they did just that. They built schools and houses and planted crops. And in an act of pure devotion, they even constructed a temple as a token of their love for their Lord. In fact, the men donated most of their discretionary time to the project while the women assumed extras household chores to provide food and clothing for the construction team. And they even sacrificed the china dish ware they had carried across the plains in handcarts... The precious keepsakes that reminded them of all they had left behind... which was ground up and used to beautify the house of the Lord. Not only did the glassware make the stucco stronger, but when the sun shone on the temple walls, the whole place glistened. 

These good people only spent about seven years in Kirtland but these years were filled with sweet memories and tender mercies. They had their fair share of challenges, but they also had some incredible experiences and set off for their next journey stronger, happier and more united. 

The beautiful thing about life is that can do the same thing. Knowing that this stage of life won't last forever, we can still put our best foot forward and try to enjoy it while it lasts. Because a waiting period well-spent only prepares us for our next big thing. 

So here I am back in Provo UT. I spend my days cramming. I practically live at the library and my finance books are my best friends. I squeeze in gym time and pack my healthy lunches in brown paper bags. (so school girl, I know) I am growing my Audibles account by the day as i am trying to listen to a new book each week.  I spend my evenings going on a lot of first dates. Did I mention, I am really over the first date thing? But I do all of this just to be sure that I will be prepared for my next big thing. I just want God to know that I am grateful for my time in the waiting game. 

It may be a roller coaster but it is still a beautiful ride.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift of God. That is why we call it the present."

toxic

toxic

We all crave things that aren't good for us. It's just human nature. Do you know what is the leading cause of death in the U.S.? Heart disease. Yep. Heart disease. Accounting for one out of every four deaths. More than car accidents war casualties and even more than cancer.

The disturbing thing is.... We do this to ourselves.

Despite fancy gyms with all of the state of the art equipment, despite calories available for everything we put in our mouths, despite personal trainers and nutritionists and "organic" versions of basically everything we can imagine, despite mandatory health education classes, even despite that horrific documentary Super Size Me which explicitly exploits all of our favorite fast food joints, in weak moments we still find ourselves in the drive thru echoing those classic, self-immolating five words... "Can I get fries with that?"

Why did I just down Oreos, milk and pumpkin cookie butter when I really should have stuck to the trusty apple? (it's just so borringgg)

Now this is a problem. An epidemic really. But i am convinced that our dependency on hamburgers, fries, cookies and cake, soda, pie, bacon and shakes has direct ties to a much more complex issue. Ultimately, at one time or another we all want what we can't have. We crave the things (and sometimes the people) that have the biggest capacity to hurt us.

So how do we get over this? How do we stop wanting the bad and start craving things that are good for us? Long-term. You know, truth be told, I have no idea. I know that it is important. Good things can sometimes appear tasteless and dry but they keep us healthy and strong. They keep us in control. And ultimately, control is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves.

So you are hereby invited to join my control club. We'll take a trip to the farmers market fill our baskets with all sorts of superfoods full of all the best vitamins and minerals. We may have to delete some numbers and belt Taylor Swift together. (therapy at its finest).  It will be fun. Pinky promise.

just dreamin'

So I have a dream... Not an extravagant dream. Simple really. And though this dream I created long ago and have revised for years, it can be summed up in one little moment.... 

Let me start by telling you a little about a recent trip to the grocery store. I was in Paris though the place doesn't really have any relevance to my point (well except that Paris has a reputation for being the city of amor... But that's beside the point) So there I was loading up on nectarines and European chocolate before a long train ride when I saw this cute girl in her mid-twenties. in a darling polka dot dress at the check out counter paying for her fresh veggies.  For my story's sake, we're going to say that she was a new bride. We're going to assume that she had just finished a long day's work. And though she was tired, and oh so anxious to finally get out of those dreaded heels, she ran to get a few finishing touches for her masterpiece. She was recreating her husband's favorite dish from the restaurant on the corner and it had to be perfect.

She paid with some wadded up change she found at the bottom of her purse and headed home. As she opened the door, the aroma of fresh herbs and spices greeted her warmly. It had been chilly outside which only made her little escape of a place that much more inviting. She whipped up a side salad, plated the dish and set the table. A table for two. 

She then dashed to the bathroom to touch up her lipstick a bit. As 7:00 came around she began to get giddy. It had only been a few hours, but in her mind, it had already been too long. 

"Honeyy, i'm homee" 

She greeted him with a kiss. 

Then, they sat and dinnered together. Chatting about colleagues and mundane work schedules. Swapping funny stories.  Planning their weekend's adventure. A perfect combination of first date bliss and grow old together familiarity. 

So that's it... Two love birds just trying to make it in this crazy world. Together. One date night at a time. Nothing mind-boggling. Just hoping to maybe someday find someone who helps me make sense of all this happily ever after nonsense.


L

the power of prayer

Here's a little snippet from dad's weekly letter. A reminder to pray is always a good thing. ❤️ 🙏

....  "The choices you are making right now are so important for your long term happiness.  Life can seem so rushed and compressed but trust me, you have time on your side right now.  Make sure to take the time to make these important choices.  Take the time to pray and ponder.  Then once you are committed, move forward and do the work you need to do to get things done.

Rich Jackson bore his testimony today and told about an experience he had a few weeks ago when he went to Tucson to take test for his neuroradiology work.  It was a qualifying exam that if he passed, he would be able to do some more specialized work.  He said he had studied very hard for the exam and had reviewed over 1000 questions.  I have been in that situation before.  He said about 30 minutes before he was going to leave his hotel to take the test, he knelt down pray and as he was doing so, a thought came in his mind to study a rare disease process that he had not studied yet and that he hadn’t even thought about for several years.  He had some time to look it up and sure enough, it ended up being on the test.  He said he needed to answer that question to be able to pass.

This reminded me of how many times over the last 28 years, since I left on my mission, that I have relied on prayer to get through challenges and to make decisions.  Medicine provided many opportunities for me to do this, as well as almost every minute of every day, and so many times during starting my businesses.  The Lord has been at my side.  The Savior reminded of this in Luke 18:1 when he said, “Pray always and do not faint.”  Sometimes we can’t be kneeling because we are on a bus, walking down a road, driving on an icy road, sitting to take a test, walking into a job interview, standing at the side of an operating room table, or trying to deal with an angry customer.  Since we can’t always be kneeling when we pray, I am reminded of my favorite quote from Victor Hugo when he said, “Certain thoughts are prayers.  There are times when whatever the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees.”  I challenge both of you to remember to pray always, no matter what your position is in life.  Your Father in Heaven loves you and he wants you to succeed and be happy.  He also realizes that life won’t always be perfect and he is willing to weep with you as he did with Enoch (see Moses 7:28).

Love you! Know that I am praying for you constantly. Dad" 

pebbled beaches

So this story starts out with a fascination I developed for an island... A place that I had never been. Never even heard of really. But a magical, wonderful place (almost like Disneyland) that stole my heart months before I actually stepped foot there. A place called Corfu. 

As my sister Katie and I planned our European backpacking trip we somehow stumbled upon Corfu on some Pinterest pin. Blue skies. Lots of ocean. Secluded. In my opinion our trip consisted of too many typical tourist hotspots that I just imagined to be full of lines, people and all sorts of fees. So, I was all for a chance to get away for a bit. And we did just that. 

 We did some research and found a $22 dollar one-way along with a quaint little bed and breakfast right on the water. Just like that, we were sold. We ended up planning our entire 21-day itinerary around these few days. Days spent in paradise. 

We woke up bright and early our first day with plans to find our perfect spot on our little island. We walked along the coast for miles in one direction and then miles in the other. It was beautiful. Breathtaking even. But at least at first glance, something important seemed to be missing. That pristine white sand. You know, the kind you just sort of sink into. The kind that leaves glistening footprints and provides a cooling sensation in between your toes. 

So, we asked around did some research and the second day, we woke up a bit brighter and even earlier to find that sandy stuff down the way. Though we had a rough estimate, there was no way of really telling where this so-called beach was hiding so we trekked long and far. The sun was blazing so we ended up beach hopping all along the way.

During our journey, something rather peculiar happened. As we sat chatting for hours as only five young girls can do, I became fascinated, even intrigued, with those pebbles. I started to examine each and every one, finding that all had their own unique shape, size and pattern. I marveled as the waves and the sun hit at just the right angle turning the rocks from ordinary to extraordinary instantly. 

Suddenly, these little pebbles were teaching me some deep life lessons. An overwhelming sense of gratitude came over me as I realized that had we not stopped to smell the roses we would have never experienced those beaches in all of their majestic beauty. Sometimes in life we form our own little paradigms. Almost as if we are walking around with blinders (You know, like the racing horses wear) we become oblivious to possibilities all around us. Like me and my whole sandy beach thing. 

If you are wondering, we never found that sandy beach that we were looking for. Truth be told, I think we completely forgot about it. Because we found something oh so much better. 

And I guess maybe that's how life is too. Sometimes we give up some goals, plans and even dreams in pursuit of something a bit bigger and a bit better. That personal decision thing. That can be oh so difficult. But oh so worth it as well.

***on a side note, I've been limping for days as some stupid sea urchin lodged a few thorns into my right foot. One of those pebbled beach problems. But you know, I guess that's part of the decision making process as well. Sometimes in our own pursuit of happiness, we can get hurt. It can be painful. But somehow, I think that pain is another important part of the whole process. And I still wouldn't trade those beach days for the world. 

 Words can not describe this

growing pains

I remember when I was little and my would throb sometimes due to uncomfortable growth spurts. My dad would lovingly come to my rescue with rubbing alcohol and massage my little legs all better. That turned out to be only one of many of my experiences with growing pains. Ouch. 

In honor of Halloween, I was remembering back to an awkward moment I had my 6th grade year. New school. New friends. I felt like a big girl. Naturally I felt on top of the world. Halloween day you dropped me off in my striped green tights and witch hat only to realize that I can was the only one dressed up. I decided to brave the day but oh was it embarrassing. Ouch. Growing pains

But life went on at that ever so rapid pace. High school taught me all sorts of lessons like that sometimes pure intellect simply isn't enough. In matters of AP calculus, a lot of hard work and hours and hours of after-class dedication is the only way to get by.Ouch. I learned that try as I may, sometimes the boy I like simply won't like me. Ouch. 

Then, suddenly I found myself a world away. In São Paulo Brazil. Walking for 10-12 hours a day. Away from friends, family and all traces of my past life. I couldn't decide what kind of pain was more excruciating: physical. Those first few weeks my feet throbbed. And my legs. And my brain. Also, I thought about home and sometimes I would miss it so bad that it felt like my heart ached. But, just as time does best, it passed. Soon I felt like my precious time there was like sand slipping through my fingers. 

I knew that my time was winding down because those growing pains had finally, basically subsided. I had made the mission my comfort zone. And I've learned that God never keeps us there for very long. 

So here I am, back with all sorts of growing pains. The first few weeks I just struggled to remember what it meant to be "normal." (I've come to the conclusion that normal might just be overrated.) Then school started and that was really hard. I felt all sorts of inadequacy as I compared myself to all these brilliant, Wall Street aspiring class mates of mine. And oh dating... Don't even get me started. I still can't seem to understand it. But oh, how it can be painful. Ouch. 

But I guess I've learned that all moments, good bad or trying, all come to an end. The silver lining is meant to be found and enjoyed. And, as hard as it is, our growing pains reform us and refine us in a way that only retrospect can appreciate. 

No pain... No gain.