The Search

It's been a whirlwind month for me. I finished up finals, got a really beautiful ring and consequently, a pretty great fiancé, took a road trip across the west coast, and now I find myself in Paris on a global finance internship. 

As I sit here in mass in the Notre Dame Cathedral, I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all of the blessings in my life. Maybe it's city of love or the 5,000+ mile distance we got going for us, or simply that I just really miss him. But anyway, I'm in the sentimental mood. Anyway, just last week we participated in a youth fireside in San Diego. We were talking about the importance of searching when someone asked a question directed specifically to me:

"How did you go about searching for Hunter?"

I thought a little bit, and truth be told, I have two answers....

Short answer, one evening a little less than four years ago I decided that I needed more friends so I dragged along some friends and went door knocking. (It actually turned out to be a great prep for the mission I would soon be setting out on) We went from door to door, introducing ourselves to all of the guys on the fourth floor of our apartment contract. 

Apparently we saved the best for last because our final door was this cute, tall boy with a Jedi braid and an adorable smile. He was busy studying some fancy physics AND making dinner. He had me from hello. 

Now on to the longer answer.. In all honestly, my search actually began over a decade ago.  I still remember sitting in church as an eager little 12 year old. Even then, we learned, frequently, about the eternal significance of the marriage decision. One day my leader gave each of us a little piece of paper and asked us to create a list of the qualities We wanted in our future husbands. As I sat contemplating my list, my teacher taught us an analogy about bulls. 

As I remember it, in the days before Henry Ford, people used Bulls to carry large loads. Only when they put two bulls with equal strength together, connected by a yoke, could were they able to transport heavy burdens together. Individually they were strong, but together they were powerful. On that day, so long ago, I learned that if I wanted to find my Prince Charming, someone with all of the characteristics on the list, I had to BE my list first. In a way, from that day forward, I set out trying to do everything I could to reach my full potential. It's been said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Well I guess maybe it was that day that I took my first step in this long journey. 

Last December, after an incredible date (ironically to a Christmas presentation at the catholic cathedral) I came home and threw myself upon my bed. That night I decided that I indeed had fallen in love with this boy I had known for so long. Somewhat in a trance, I opened up my childhood scriptures and stumbled upon my list. I checked the bullet points off my list one by one. He was everything I ever wanted and more. 

Being able to use the pronoun "we" has been a long process, full of highs and lows, but my patience has paid in dividends. 

Hunter, you are my dream boy through and through. I love you ️

the winter blues

I don't know about you, but I've got a case of the winter blues. You know, that limp rag feeling. What's worse is, I don't exactly know why. Life is pretty great at the moment. School. Friends. Family. The dating life. In many ways my life is unfolding in ways that I could have only dreamed about. Yet, these last few days I have just been feeling a bit down.

I got to thinking, why? I came to a few tentative conclusions: Maybe it's the medication I'm taking right now that has more annoying side effects than I can count. Or the pressure of V-day lurking over our heads like a dark rain cloud. Maybe it's that I miss my sister/bestie more than words can say and waiting 17 months to give her a squeeze seems inconceivable. I just really want to call her at chat for hours about everything and nothing at all. Or find a new hole-in-the-wall with the help of Yelp. It could be the fact that after two winters in sunny Brazil, I once again have to deal with ice-cold fingers and this smoggy inversion air. Nasty.

Whatever the reason, all I know is, these blues can't last.

I chatted with my dad, as I usually do about these kinds of things, and he gave me some pretty great advice. First, he asked me when is the last time I have performed a meaningful act of service. You're right, Daddy-0.. It's been too long. Rest be assured, I'll be on the look out. Second, he encouraged me to spend some time thinking about the things I love to do and then do those things.

Well, today I did just that. And just in case you, too may have the blues, let me tell you what seems to lifting my spirits at a miraculous rate...

1. belting out the Friday Song with my brother before sending him off to middle school
2. sushi dinner with dad
3. steam shower
4. cool little brunch diner (yelp find) to celebrate a friend's birthday
5. much-needed car wash
6. afternoon trip to the park with my puppy Lucky
7. successful work meeting
8. after-school Swig run with the bro to hear about all the cute 8th grade girls
9. finally purchasing some groupon dates that have been on my mind for a while now
10. getting an early start on this weeks homework
11. trip to the Provo City temple open house
12. getting the boy to watch a sappy chick flick with me in honor of St. Valentine


Yep, just what the doctor ordered. A day filled with the people and activities that I love the very most. But one of the best moments of my really good day was actually with Lucky. The poor creature has been in a state of what we call "dog depression" lately because we have been depriving him of his beloved walks do to the severe cold. So he sits inside all day, every day just looking out the window. The minute I got his leash he started jumping for joy. We went outside and he just couldn't handle his excitement to be out in the fresh air. (as smoggy as it was) We made our way up an iced hill and hung out at the playground for a while. As I watched Lucky play in the snow chasing birds to and fro I thought about how beautiful and symbolic life really is.


I think Charlotte it perfectly to her little friend Wilbur.  "These autumn days will shorten and grow cold. The leaves will shake loose from the trees and fall. Christmas will come, then the snows of winter. You will live to enjoy the beauty of the frozen world. Winter will pass, the days will lenghten, the ice will melt in the pasture pond. The song sparrow will return and sing, the frogs will awake, the warm wind will blow again. All these sights and sounds and smells will be yours to enjoy. This lovely world. These precious days."

All the sudden on top of the hill looking over the valley, enjoying the sensation of the sunlight on my cheeks, and watching my rejuvenated puppy play carelessly, I was immensely humbled. And grateful. I am grateful that all winters, how ever brutal they may be, eventually melt into beautiful, bright, colorful springs.

life is good. despite the winter blues.

Silent Night, Holy Night

Silent Night

Merry Christmas y’all. I love this time of year so much. I always have. However, I’ll admit that in recent years I haven’t felt as much Christmas magic as before. I don’t spend my time wondering how Santa will manage to get around the world in a single night. I don’t anxiously ask my mom how he will get into our house without a chimney. I can’t even remember the last time I put out cookies for the big guy or oats for his reindeer and I no longer check the snow for sleigh tracks.

However, since the moment in 3^rd grade when I actively searched the encyclopedia (not even Wikipedia but a straight up World Book) for details about St. Nick only to find the lurking word “myth” next to his name, I have tried to turn my curiosity into an annual period of retrospection. I try to think about the symbolism of this blessed holiday and what Jesus Christ’s birth really means to me.

This is my first holiday season back from Brazil and my little sister leaves in two short weeks for her own mission, so it has been especially good to be with my family. I have also been able to think about my last two Christmases as I was far from family, friends, and everything comfortable. Last year I was in this teeny little house in Cotia, Sao Paulo with three other missionaries. In an effort to keep the spirit of the season alive, we got a little tree and decorated it with our badges. Christmas Eve we all gathered around the tree and together we read about Christ’s birth straight from Luke. We shared our testimonies of our Savior, Jesus Christ, sang a few Christmas hymns, said a simple prayer and went to sleep. I can honestly say that there was nothing materialistic about that night. It was simple to the core. Yet, it was one of my most sacred, holy, silent nights.

Since that night I have thought about the life of Jesus Christ. He went about doing good, yet was despised and rejected for it. By nature of his calling, he indeed had a lot of really lonely moments. In particular, I have given thought to three silent, holy nights.

First, during this season, it is only proper to bring up his humble birth. His young, faithful mother gave birth to the Christ child in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. Every other more suitable location closed their doors.  That night turned out to be quite indicative of the His entire mortal ministry as later people would not only continue to close their doors, but also their hears and minds to the eternal truths he labored to share. He received only the most humble of visitors, but he probably would not have wanted it any other way. He went on to spend his life serving those precious souls who were able to see Him for what He was: a miracle and the literal first-born of our Heavenly Father. Eventually, wise men made their way over to visit the baby bringing their sacrifices. They were simply trying to worship as they could and more than anything else, they were giving of their time and giving with their hearts. Wise men still seek him.

The second silent, holy night I would like to highlight is one that I believe sums up His entire mission pretty nicely. That particular night the Savior was giving a sermon when he was visited by his mother and brothers. When the messenger brought word of the family visit He did not leave to greet them but rather stayed and continued teaching. At that moment His audience was his family and His greatest priority. Jesus did not simply forget about the people He loved the very most. He knew He would probably end up spending that night, like so many others during his life, alone. He most likely craved a familiar, loving face. However, since the beginning, He understood a really important principle: He was on the Father’s errand, not His own. As such, His time was not His own. That knowledge let Him to serve with all of His heart, mind and soul.

The last silent, holy night of Christ’s life occurred as he humbly knelt at the garden of Gethsemane. He had been betrayed, mocked, and scourged. Yet, there he knelt weeping for forgiveness for the sins of the world. He bled from every pore. He suffered more pain than we can even imagine. And He did it all selflessly. He did it all for us. He knew that many would not accept the blood He freely shed. Yet, He did it regardless.

It seems only fitting that we take some time out of our busy lives to give tribute to the birth, life, death and resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ, and I am grateful that we get to do so every year with family, trees, lights, hot chocolate, movies  

, presents and nativities. He is the reason for the season and I love Him.

Moments That Matter Most

Moments are the molecules that make up eternity

Why can’t life have a repeat button?

You know when you find a song you like? The one you just can’t get out of your head? And you play it over and over. You begin to sing it in the shower. You find yourself dancing to the beat…. Even when you find yourself in total silence. You jam out in your car when you think no one is looking. (awkward) And eventually, the lyrics begin to penetrate your thoughts and fill your soul. In my mind, that is the definition of a well-written song. 

One of the bummer things about life is that any given moment, no matter how awesome it is, cannot be replayed.  Even those picture perfect moments that seem to leap right off the pages of a fairy dusted storybook cannot be relived. They just can’t.

Well, Last night was one of those nights that I want to replay a thousand times. And since I have accepted the fact that life is dynamic, that the only thing we can expect to be 100% constant is change, I decided to jot down my thoughts so that they last longer

Nothing extraordinary happened last night. Just a good night with some of my favorite people doing some of my favorite things.

First, I took a trip to the hospital to see my cute sister Rachel who recently had jaw surgery. Now if you don’t know Rach, and if you don’t, you really should. Everyone needs a little Rachel Rose in their lives, let me just tell you… this girl is a warrior. 

As a side story that I think exhibits my love for this sweet girl perfectly, a few years ago a fun family hike turned into a disaster. We were on top of this mountain, alone and lost. We had resorted to the stream for our drinking water and our food supply was about out. It was getting dark and we were getting scared. Real scared. I have never seen my strong, capable, football player dad so distraught.

Why am I telling you this story? Because Rach surprised us all with her courage, strength, and selflessness as she has many times before and after this beloved moment in the mountains. She massaged my back and assured me that it would all be okay. (by this point I was one step short of a basket case) She then scaled the mountain looking for the trail. Nothing fazed her. Not the rattlesnakes. Not the fact that her legs were all cut up and bloody. Nothing. She simply did what needed to be done in the most courageous, graceful way possible.

Despite our seven year age difference, I have long since said I want to be like Rachel when I grow up.

Yesterday I got to see my Rach in a slightly different light. This time on a hospital bed with some ridiculous looking head wrap. Swollen and bloody. In her words she said she looked like a “bear.” But just as brave. Just as beautiful. Just as strong.

I love that girl.

Then, I met my other, soon to be missionary, sister Katie and my grandparents for dinner at our favorite Thai place in Salt Lake. I truly believe that pad thai and curry is comfort food at its finest. Katie has a talent for cultivating deep dinner talks and she did just that. We talked to our fossils about their lives. They told stories of falling in love and raising children. For a moment, we got to relive some of their precious memories, triumphs and failures, along side them. As most elderly do, they have a pure perspective on the purpose of life. They are able to boil seemingly complex scenarios down to simple truths. Above all, their love for each other and their zeal and appreciation for life never ceases to shine through their interlocked hands and their sparkling eyes.

At that moment, they provided me a blueprint for how I want my life to go. They gave me a fresh perspective.

Katie and I made our way to the Jazz game talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. Just as sisters do, we discussed boys and fashion. We attempted to make somewhat of a bucket list for her last few weeks at home as she is about to leave me for 18 whole months. I am only kind of bitter as I am so so excited for her to have her own adventures. we simply tried to make the most of our precious time together.

I know that a few months from now I am really going to miss these moments. So I just am trying to take them in, one at a time.

“Moments are the molecules that make up eternity.” –  Neil A. Maxwell

face marred by dust, head filled with equations

So there is a week in every collegiate semester that makes all of the blood, sweat and tears shed over the previous four months worthwhile. Because during this last week our professors share precious gems of knowledge that they have acquired over their lives. Now, in contrast to the last two years of weed-out classes of about 800 students, my current courses are oh so personal. With about 15 students per classroom our professors know us well. very well. They've been willing to explain and reexplain as we tried our best to grasp these complicated financial concepts. They were patient with us even when we snuck a peak at our cell phones, and maybe even dozed off a few times during those morning hours. They sought to teach in a way that we could understand relating things like moral hazard and the barter economy to core principles of dating. They even may have let us take an midterm after the exam had closed... just because you got the dates mixed up. yeahhh I'm still in shock about that. 

Needless to say, over the semester we have become tight. 

This week has been especially meaningful for me as I'd venture to say that this semester was the most difficult, yet the most influential of my entire academic career. 

I struggled basically every day just to stay afloat. I battled with constant feelings of inadequacy with only occasional glimpses of sunlight. (I've come to the conclusion that anyone taking four finance classes after a 2-year sabbatical would probably have a somewhat similar experience.) 

But this week I have been able to ponder the semester holistically and now, even with finals looming in the near future, I feel an immense sense of gratitude for the things I was able to accomplish over the last four months. While I will openly admit that there is still a lot about this great big world that I do not understand. Not even a little bit. But I think there is something to be said about the fact that I was able to have a captivating conversation with my dad last week on the ski slopes based on... drum roll pleaseeee...  interest rates. Yeah shocking, I know. That would have been unimaginable back in September. 

So here's to us doing things that are really, really challenging. Here's to us making mistakes but finding the strength to get up just one more time. 

Specific "last lecture" notes to follow but for now, enjoy some good Roosevelt wisdom:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

                                                                             -Theodore Roosevelt

this one's for katie

Dear Baby Sis, 

I just wanted to take a minute to tell you how proud... how very proud of you I am today. I know you must be a bit relieved right now as I know first-hand how much you struggled to make this decision. Devoting 18 months of your life to serve Heavenly Father is far from easy. It requires sacrifice. It requires love. It requires selflessness. It requires something of the soul. 

Let me tell you now.... it's not gonna be easy. If your mission is anything like mine was, you can expect long, tiring days. Days where everything simply goes wrong. Look forward to rejection. Lots of it. Some days you might walk for hours in the rain without having a single, successful conversation though you will try desperately. Yep, this is totally normal. You will most likely wear holes through all of your shoes. Even the ones that seemed with the rubber soles that seemed entirely dependable.  

Maybe one day you might be out passing out invitations for a ward social only to get your leg ripped up by some angry dog. ouch. You will miss your favorite music and alone time. Especially at the beginning. Sometimes your companion will drive you crazy. On those days you might be tempted to never come out of the shower because you know that is the only alone time you will get for the day. Some mornings you will go to your closet and think the following: "if I have to wear one of my five go-to skirts one more time....." 

You will grow to love the people of San Jose oh so very much. You will do everything you can to get them to feel what you believe to be true with your whole heart and soul. You will pray and fast. Fast and pray. Yet sometimes, despite your best efforts, they will turn away. And some nights when you think that all hope is lost, you will soak your pillow with your tears. 

I just felt it was only fair to warn you. In my opinion, anyone who claims to have had the perfect, flawless, pain-free mission is either lying or suffering from a serious case of dementia. It's not a cakewalk. 

HOWEVER, I'm not going to leave you hanging. It gets less depressing. Pinky promise

I am not lying, nor exaggerating, when I tell you that you have just made the best decision of your whole, entire life. Katie, I loved my mission. I loved the people. I loved my badge. With time, I even loved the strict schedule. I grew to trust my loving Heavenly Father because that was the only choice I had. And through the process, I got to feel the love he has for every single one of his children. At both my highest of highs and my lowest of lows (especially during the low points) I felt a driving force helping me out. Pushing me forward. 

So my darling. Go out there and change the world. One soul at a time. Work hard and never forget your purpose. You have been given a unique time in your life to focus on serving others. Take advantage because life will never be that simple again. You will have doubts and questions. In those moments just focus on the ground you have already won. The truths you have already internalized. No one can ever take your faith away from you because that is yours.

You are going to be wonderful. Katie, I have seen just a glimpse of your potential these past few months as you have been the most patient, loving confidant a girl could ask for during my fairly rocky adapting period. Thank you for lending me your shoulder to cry on. more than once The world needs a few more of those to go around. 

And just know that though it will seem like we are a world away, your support system is as strong as ever. We will be here rooting for you and praying for you. And you best believe we will be counting the days so you don't have to. 

I think the miracle of the mission is that despite it being hard (if you need a reminder of just how hard, simply scroll up a ways) in a year and a half's time you will be on a plane coming home and you will sob your eyes out. You will not want to leave the people/place that you have grown to love so much. And in that moment you will realize that it was worth every second. 

xoxo

L.

PS... for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!